The Stupidest Lemon in Fandom
by OverzealousGuineapig
Summary: Emmett gets horny and asks Alice for some help rubbing the itch. Severely OOC/AV/Total crackfic/Smut


**This is just a little O/S I wrote when I realized I was going to fail in delivering chapter eight tonight. I hate being a **_**total **_**no-show.**

**It's purely crack. Well, smut-crack. If you're on Facebook or Twitter, come chat with me when you're done, and pimp if you'd be so kind.**

_**The Stupidest Lemon in Fandom**_

"Alice, I'm horny," I declared casually.

She looked up, a slight frown on her little face, and then nodded. "That's nice. Go have a wank."

"I don't want a wank," I replied, whining a little like a kid. "Alice..."

"What, Emmett," she sighed, annoyed.

I smiled my best endearing smile and scooched over closer to her. "Have sex with me please?"

Her head whipped to the right so we were face to face and a deeply confused and mildly disturbed expression greeted me. "What?" She stared at me for a moment in complete silence, then shook her head and looked away. "No."

"Why not?" I asked in an offended tone.

"Because we're married to other people," she said like I should have known that was her reason from the start.

"Who says they have to know?"

She exhaled quickly, then closed her magazine and tossed it onto the coffee table. "You know what? You're right. They don't have to know; we can totally have sex with each other while we're married to other people. I don't know _why _I didn't realize this before. How do you want to do it?" she asked and looked at me expectantly.

Not one to argue with a good thing, I looked around for the most appealing place and position we could achieve in that location.

"How about over the side of the couch?" Alice suggested, rubbing the arm beside her suggestively.

I shrugged. A fuck's a fuck regardless of where it is. "Sure," I agreed.

Alice hopped up and faced away from me, then bent forward and put her forearms on the arm of the couch with her ass pointing towards me. "Do you want to fuck me from behind?" she asked. Before I could respond, she flipped over and leant back against it with her legs open in a wide 'V'. "Or how about like this?"

"Why not both?" I suggested.

"Why not?" she agreed, holding her hands out—palms up—with a look of indifference.

I stood up and pulled off my pants, then waited while she did the same while on her back on the couch. I started to take off my shoes, but Alice stopped me.

"Don't worry about that; just leave 'em on," she instructed, then pulled me down between her bare thighs.

My wonderously hard dick smacked her in the cooch creating a sound like two wet boulders colliding—for that is the only sound our skin could possibly make with its supernatural hardness, despite being pliable for us to walk without crunching sounds.

I reached down between her lithe thighs and stroked my fingers up and down her smooth pussy. "It's so smooth," I stated out loud what I'd noticed in my mind.

"I know, right?" Alice grinned, nodding enthusiastically. "And it's really tight too," she added.

Probing around the slippery lips, I searched for her entrance. "Why do you have to have all those flappy things? They get in the way."

"You're right, Emmett," she agreed. "It should just be a hole. Simple and effective."

I nodded wordlessly, then jumped a little with excitement when my middle finger slipped into her sopping wet pussy—it was fantastically tight, just as promised.

"Uh, Emmett, finger me with your meaty phalanges," Alice moaned wantonly and bucked her hips up to my hand.

My dick twitched at the sound of her S.A.T vocabulary and I began rapidly shoving my middle and ring fingers in and out of her muscular vag while my palm rubbed her little love button.

After a few more moments of my masterful ministrations, I was pushed away from her honey pot.

"Enough with the diddling digits; I want you to fuck me now," Alice stated. "Deposit your dick in my dugout—fuck me until I meow!"

As hot at her impressive vocab was; it had nothing on her poetic alliterations. I fisted my raging schlong and aimed it at her glistening maze of lady folds. With a little luck, I'd end up in the right spot.

With one powerful thrust of my godly hips, I struck home and slammed into the other-worldly constriction of Alice's pixie-sized cock sock.

Channelling the speedy fucking powers of the mighty rabbit, I began humping in and out of her beautiful, binding south-mouth with supernatural speed.

"Oh, oh, oh, fu-u-u-uck, me-e-e-e!" Alice squeaked as her pert little titties jiggled with the force of my rabid powing. It was like masturbating with a woman instead of my hand.

I responded with a matching, "I-I-I-I a-a-a-m-m-mmmmm—OH FUCK!"

Her spider-like fingers scurried down her flat, toned belly to the waterslide where my ginormous pecker was pistoning into her pulsing peach.

Alice wasn't the only one with mad Doctor Seuss skills.

Her dexterous fingers joined the mix of drenched appendages and she rubbed her clit at twice the speed of my thrusts. We both looked down and I felt her insanely tight v-jay-jay clamp down on my peen as she caught sight of it somehow managing to squeeze into her nubile little body.

"I can't believe it fits," I commented, still thrusting away with wild abandon.

"I know! I would have thought for sure it would fall out."

I frowned for a moment as I tried to decipher her bizarre words, but threw away my care of the subject when it didn't come to me in the first two seconds and continued with my fevered fucking.

"Flip me over, I want you from behind," Alice ordered and stopped rocking her hips to mine.

We both whimpered when I pulled my shiny baton from her, but quickly sprung into action to switch the positions. Alice and I got onto our knees and she bent forward to the arm of the couch, exposing her soaked nether regions to me. I directed my boner to her more obvious hole and sunk back into the warm, tightness.

Let's face it. When you fuck a chick for a decent amount of time, things loosen up for a while. It's a fact.

Alice whimpered helplessly and pushed back so I was as deep as possible. "Oooh, yeah, ride me like a pony!" she pleaded between pants.

_Since she's offering..._ I shrugged.

I grabbed her hips tightly in my giant hands and pulled back then shoved back into her like a randy stallion—even going as far as to whinny.

"I'm gonna shoot my frozen swimmer into your ovum-less womb and laugh while they look for an egg that will never arrive!" I declared just before she slammed back and made me groan when her cum bucket closed in on my jizz rocket like a sperm-hungry vacuum.

"I'm gonna come!" Alice shouted, smacking her ass back against me with each thrust.

The canon was about to blow as well. I grounded myself, digging the shoe attached to my otherwise bare leg into the couch, and prepared for the kick-back.

Her iron pocket contracted around my batter dispenser and together we both screamed and moaned, and panted and groaned as the world changed to colors invisible to the human eye. My mighty cum shooter erupted inside Alice's petite body and we both collapsed over the side of the couch, me on top of her.

"I'm not horny anymore," I informed her simply, catching my breath.

"Good. And remember, the others don't have to know."

I nodded. "'kay."

"Emmett, get off me."

"'kay."

**Wow, that was an interesting hour. Hit me on Facebook or Twitter with your favorite lines, and the ones you were most shocked to read. Hope you all enjoyed the product of my stupidity.**


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